custodial methanol (buckposton) wrote,
custodial methanol

I need to taste again

"when I was young and golden, I thought all I needed was experience and I could create new colours, a new god"
arthur rimbaud

this hits me hard. hard because I felt the same way, being it childhood or just drive I have given up on certain things. I remember back when I was sixteen and I thought the world was a much different place, I thought I was kinda chosen. I thought I was supposed to be this boy who was going to change everything. I wanted to teach people to speak in tongues, produce rain from their wrists and levitate when they were excited (ohhhhh levitating was a big one). I thought there was this huge reason that I was put on this planet. like I was some kind of prophet. I thought I was so close to becoming divine and the message was so close to the edge of my tongue all I needed was to see a little more and then I would be ready. while living in Ireland I met people who told me "YOU NEED to go to egypt, india, new zealand, the congo, prague" so many other places I couldn't even list. and when I found myself on an american street one day I found that all of was gone. My hunger was filled with sex and toaster ovens and college loans and underwear receipts. I found myself a person who needed a person like the person I was. I found myself like everyone else and my knuckles are scarred from the bite marks I enflict while trying not to get sick from all of it. right now california is too close, too near. all this shit lost its flavor a while ago so I'm just going to redirect my apetite and force feed myself the good stuff. I am hungry again, and the new colours will be beaming off my finger tips, and the new god is me.
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